Training: The Real Marathon
Training for a marathon really teaches you about commitment—like wishing to commit when you know you have to push out at least 3 iterations of intense long running sessions a week minimum. Scheduling your alarm to wake up at 5 a.m. to run and then realising halfway through your program at 8 p.m. is far more realistic instead of visualising your demise while normal people are still dreaming. Nothing like a good long run to remind you that you could be doing anything else but because you spent time and effort vocalising your plans to the entire feed you have to put in the time. When the inevitable drag of your new running shoes, the store cleric recommended for an obscene premium, hits the tarmac you will realise this is very real.
The Best Part
Who knew that one of the perks of running a marathon is guilt-free gluttony? This is your time to shine if you are a flamboyant flabby fluctuation full of fascination in the finer feed. That is correct jelly babies, are, back on the menu and you can have as much sugar and carbohydrates as your heart contends. The brain does in fact rely on these simple sugars and during aerobic activity, the brain will be the first to dehydrate and unduly will be the last the hydrate so these measures need to be taken seriously. One will need to be accustomed to the ways of consumption while being in motion.
You should be aware, however, that you will find yourself eating lighter food and avoiding anything that could lead to a spicy after-burp as nothing hits worse than acid reflux in the middle of nowhere and for us old timers carrying Rennie’s everywhere can be somewhat uncouth.
The Runner’s High Is It A Myth?
The runner’s high is this elusive thing that every runner will abide and swear by but I am not certain it actually exists. Maybe it’s just delirium? The only “high” you will feel is the ecstasy that hits when you finally sit down after a long run and your feet are throbbing in a bucket of ice. This “high” I believe is a coping mechanism for the non-masochists in the field of running who desire some glimpse of hope to justify their poverty hobbies. We all know that cycling would be far more preferable if bikes did not need a mortgage. Some might even forewarn that you will catch the runner “bug” in a delightful tone as if it does not sound like some fell omen. The “bug” so to speak is not a critter and it is not infectious but you may delude yourself into running another marathon after crippling yourself in the first, much akin to childbirth.
A Festival of Masochism
The marathon day starts early in case you fancied a lie-in. But hey, who needs rest when you have adrenaline and anxiety to help force out some pleasant diarrhea as nothing will sit in your stomach with all the loaded anticipation? At best you might be able to settle some porridge but do not assume you can overload the carbs on the day of the race, nonsense. I personally recommend just taking some pre workout and maybe a tablespoon of salt to aid the cramping.
You may start to be hit with thoughts on where the money could have been spent instead of doing voluntary torture. Why pay for a spa day when you can pay to be surrounded by strangers, all willingly torturing themselves in the name of fitness? Actually, let us not continue to lie to ourselves, we all know that the marathon is only participated in for the medal and online bragging rights. If we removed the right to post anything about the race only the truly insane would be left at the start line.
The Spectators: Your Primal Enemy
Curse the spectators, the dreaded spectators. When you find yourself in the middle of your run, you will inevitably see the collection of beings gathering outside their habitats in an attempt to cheer you on with signs displaying the likes of: ‘Worst Parade Ever’, ‘You Paid For This’, and ‘Smile You Are On Camera’. I realise this is a small gesture to take some of the edges off from the run but I assure you that this is far from the actual effect and in fact, has a similar effect to someone making fun of you while you try to complete a very mundane activity. Although, the jelly babies on route are a massive plus. Shout out to those who pass on a brief snack that gives you a small sense of humanity for a fleeting moment.
The Finish Line
Crossing the finish line is a magical moment of bliss, you genuinely feel the heavens open to grant you a final resting spot for your legs. Right before you realise you now have to figure out how to walk again. The gradual shake that hits, as your legs have been stuck in a motion for over 3 hours and your brain cannot fathom that stopping was an option.
The best part of finishing a marathon? The medal. The second best part? Knowing you do not have to run another step and that literal hell is finally over. The anguish has been overcome and you can finally express the true meaning behind the marathon, a selfie for your story on Instagram to all 27 of your fans so they know you are not like other late 20s citizens.
The Aftermath
The days after a marathon are when you really learn who your true friends are—like the ones who don’t mind helping you up and down stairs. Potentially carrying you into your car and hand-feeding you all your post-marathon snacks. Your body will go into full shutdown so if you are about to do a marathon be ready for this, especially if you are a first-timer. No amount of prep will truly ready you for what is about to hit. If you are still going to go ahead or perchance this is not your first time, all I can say is godspeed.
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